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Q: Why wasn't Jesus born in Kentucky?

A: They couldn't find three wise men OR a virgin.

(As told by a Kentucky-born friend to me years ago....)

How do you know that the tooth brush was invented in Arkansas?

If it were invented anywhere else it would have been called a teeth brush.

My 60-year kindergarten reunion is coming up soon and I'm worried about the 195 lbs. I've gained.

I'm getting kind of tired always slowly raising my hand when someone asks, "Who does something like that?”

Denny's has a slogan, 'If it's your birthday, the meal is on us.' If you're in Denny's and it's your birthday, your life sucks!

If I make you breakfast in bed, a simple "Thank you" is all I need ... not all this, "How did you get in my house" business!

SENIOR SEX

The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."
Yes, she says, "I remember it well."

OK, he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"

"Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!"
A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.

The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.

The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.

After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.

So, as the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?"

Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply,
"Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence."

Eric -- now that is a good one!! I know those who have urinated on an electic fence ... Ooopps!

<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: 427.060</div><div class="ubbcode-body">How do you know that the tooth brush was invented in Arkansas?

If it were invented anywhere else it would have been called a teeth brush. </div></div>

What lives in Arkansas and has 28 teeth?

A family of four.

Two ole timers reminiscing about each of their first time sexual encounter. One says to the other, I remember the first time, I took the young gal behind the barn and dropped my drawers. His friend intently listening. I was just about to go to it with her and suddenly from around front of the barn comes her Mother and caught us. I immediately look up in surprise. Friend says, Well yea, what did she say? He answers, Moooo!

<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: earntaz</div><div class="ubbcode-body">When the Gov decided my pay check would be delivered in Texas, we had to learn the language. Examples are as -- "Jury" is not what you would find in a court of law but rather jewelry worn by a lady. "Trays" were not something you see at Lubys but rather those tall green things with brown centers. "Tars" -- well we already talked about that. And on and on and on ... TAZ </div></div>

Well, along this line of thought...

A young city slicker buys a farm on the edge of a small rural town. He decides he wants some animals and sets off walking to the town's General store. Upon arrival he decides to ask to buy a 'hen'. Store owner replies, "yes we have those, but you city folk are going to have to learn the right farm name. "It is a Pullet."", he says. Oh, replies the City boy. Well, I will also take a 'Rooster'. Well, fine, store owner says, "but you need to know the correct farm name is a "Cock-Bird.". Anything else says store owner? Yea, I need a Mule. Once again store owner corrects the city-boy. "That is known as an A**", and if you are going to live on a farm you best be learning the right name.", owner quips. Owner tells the man that the A** can be contrary and stop in it's path, but assured the young man all he needed to do is scratch the A** behind the ear and it would proceed. The young man gathers the lead rope for the A** and each bird in each arm and starts down the walkway back to his farm. Just then, his A** stops in it's tracks. A fine looking young Lady is approaching and the city boys stops her and asks, "Ma'am, would you hold my cock and pullet while I scratch my A**?"

"Hello?"

"Hi honey. This is daddy. Is mommy near the phone?"

"No daddy, she's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul."

After a brief pause daddy says, "But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul."

"Oh yes I do, he's upstairs in the room with mommy right now."

(Brief pause.)

"Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout to mommy that daddy's car just pulled into the driveway."

"Okay daddy, just a minute."

A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone.

"I did it daddy."

"What happened honey?" he asked.

Well, mommy got scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn't moving at all!"

"Oh my God! What about your Uncle Paul?"

"He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on. He was scared too and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead."

(Long pause.)

Then daddy says,

"Swimming pool? Is this 486-5731?"

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other man pulls out his cell phone and calls emergency services. He gasps to the operator, "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator in a calm, soothing voice replies, "Take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard.

Back on the phone, the hunter says, "OK, now what?"