Puns
 

1. The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Circumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.
3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.
4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.
5. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
8. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
9. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.
10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
11. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
12. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: You stay here; I'll go on a head.
13. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
14. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: Keep off the Grass.
15. The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
16. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
17. A backward poet writes inverse.
18. In a democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.
19. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
21. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, I’m sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.
22. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says Dam!
23. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can’t have your kayak and heat it too.
24. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, I’ve lost my electron. The other says Are you sure? The first replies, Yes, I’m positive.
25. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.
26. There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun ten did.

:rolleyes2:

Lmao

Oh pun the door.....

Updated, one word inserted.

26. There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

Two maggots were fighting in dead Earnest......

I have an eye problem I can't see myself going into work today.

Rich

1. How do you throw a space party? You planet.
2. How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.
3. Nope. Unintended.
4. The shovel was a ground breaking invention, but everyone was blow away by the leaf blower.
5. A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."
6. A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says "Make me one with everything."
7. Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.
8. What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.
9. The broom swept the nation away.
10. I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.
11. What does a clock do when it's hungry? It goes back for seconds.
12. What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.
13. I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.
14. Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.
15. Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says “Do you smell fish?”
16. Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded in france? There was nothing but des brie.
17. Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.
18. What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.
19. Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.
20. What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.
21. What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.
22. What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.
23. A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.
24. After the accident, the juggler didn’t have the balls to do it.
25. I used to be afraid of hurdles, but I got over it.
26. To write with a broken pencil is pointless.
27. I read a book on anti-gravity. I couldn’t put it down.
28. I couldn’t remember how to throw a boomerang but it came back to me.
29. What did the buffalo say to his son? Bison.
30. What should you do if you’re cold? Stand in the corner. It’s 90 degrees.
31. How does Moses make coffee? Hebrews it.
32. The energizer bunny went to jail. He was charged with battery.
33. What did the alien say to the pitcher of water? Take me to your liter.
34. What happens when you eat too many spaghetti-o's? You have a vowel movement.
35. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray was a seasoned veteran.
36. Sausage puns are the wurst.
37. What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear.
38. How did Darth Vader know what Luke was getting him for his birthday? He could sense his presence.
39. Why shouldn’t you trust atoms? They make up everything.
40. What’s the difference between a bench, a fish, and a bucket of glue? You can’t tune a bench but you can tuna fish. I bet you got stuck on the bucket of glue part.
41. What’s it called when you have too many aliens? Extraterrestrials.
42. Want to hear a pizza joke? Never mind, it’s too cheesy.
43. What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta.
44. What do cows tell each other at bedtime? Dairy tales.
45. Why can’t you take inventory in Afghanistan? Because of the tally ban.
46. Why didn’t the lion win the race? Because he was racing a cheetah.
47. Why did the man dig a hole in his neighbor’s backyard and fill it with water? Because he meant well.
48. What happens to nitrogen when the sun comes up? It becomes daytrogen.
49. What’s it called when you put a cow in an elevator? Raising the steaks.
50. What’s america’s favorite soda? Mini soda.
51. Why did the tomato turn red? Because it saw the salad dressing.
52. What kind of car does a sheep drive? A Lamborghini, but if that breaks down they drive their SuBAHHru.
53. What do you call a Spanish pig? Porque.
54. What do you call a line of rabbits marching backwards? A receding hairline.
55. Why don’t vampires go to barbecues? They don’t like steak.
56. A cabbage and celery walk into a bar and the cabbage gets served first because he was a head.
57. How do trees access the internet? They log on.
58. Why should you never trust a train? They have loco motives.

Did I open a can of ...

two cannibals were eating a clown and one says. something toasts funny.
When you eat pasta and antipasta are you no longer hungry.