#231
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Some years ago, executives at a Houston airport faced a troubling customer-relations issue. Passengers were lodging an inordinate number of complaints about the long waits at baggage claim. In response, the executives increased the number of baggage handlers working that shift. The plan worked: the average wait fell to eight minutes, well within industry benchmarks. But the complaints persisted.
Puzzled, the airport executives undertook a more careful, on-site analysis. They found that it took passengers a minute to walk from their arrival gates to baggage claim and seven more minutes to get their bags. Roughly 88 percent of their time, in other words, was spent standing around waiting for their bags. So the airport decided on a new approach: instead of reducing wait times, it moved the arrival gates away from the main terminal and routed bags to the outermost carousel. Passengers now had to walk six times longer to get their bags. Complaints dropped to near zero. |
#232
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That's not a joke, that's reality.
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#233
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She was outside pulling weeds on a hot summer day when her husband walked up and asked her what they were having for dinner.
Irritated by the thought of him sitting in the air conditioned house while she laboured away on the weeds, she snapped, "I can't believe you're asking me about supper right now! Pretend I'm out of town, go inside and make dinner yourself!" So he went back in the house and fixed himself a big steak, potatoes, garlic bread, and a tall beer. His wife walked in just about the time he was finishing up and asked, "Where's my dinner?" "Huh? I thought you were out of town,"
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You've never lived until you've almost died -- for those who fight for it, life has a flavor the protected will never know! |
#234
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When Grandma Goes To Court… Look Out!
Lawyers should never ask a Grandma a question if they aren’t prepared for the answer. In a trial in Mississippi, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand… a grandmotherly, elderly woman. He approached her and asked, “Mrs. Jones, do you know me?” She responded, “Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I’ve known you since you were a boy, and frankly you’ve been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you’re a big shot, when you haven’t got the brains to realize you’ll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.” The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, “Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?” She again replied, “Why yes, I do. I’ve known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He’s lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can’t build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state… not to mention, he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.” The defense attorney nearly died on the spot. The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said… “If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I’ll send you both to the electric chair.”
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You've never lived until you've almost died -- for those who fight for it, life has a flavor the protected will never know! |
#235
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After their 11th child, a Kentucky couple decided that was enough, as
they could not afford a larger bed. So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have any more children. The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive. 'A less costly alternative,' said the doctor, 'is to go home, get a cherry bomb, (fireworks are legal in Kentucky) light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to your ear and count to 10. ‘The Kentuckian said to the doctor, 'I may not be the smartest tool in the shed, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me. ''Trust me,' said the doctor. So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count! "1" "2" "3" “4" "5" (you'll love this…) At which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and continued counting on his other hand. This procedure also works in Tennessee, Louisiana, Arkansas, Mississippi, Parts of Georgia, Missouri, West Virginia, and All of Washington DC … |
#236
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I pointed to two old drunks across the bar from us and told my friend Dennis,
"That'll be us in ten years." He turned to me and said, "That's a mirror"
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#237
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They say diarrhea is hereditary! Yep, it runs in your jeans.
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#238
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The Presbyterian Church called a meeting to decide what to do about their squirrels. After much prayer and consideration, they determined the squirrels were predestined to be there and they shouldn't interfere with God's divine will.
At the Baptist Church the squirrels had taken an interest in the baptistery. The Elders met and decided to put a water slide on the baptistery and let the squirrels drown themselves. The squirrels liked the slide and unfortunately, knew instinctively how to swim so twice as many squirrels showed up the following week. The Episcopal Church decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creatures. So, they humanely trapped their squirrels and set them free near the Baptist Church. Two weeks later the squirrels were back when the Baptists took down the water slide. But the Catholic Church came up with a very creative strategy. They baptized all the squirrels and consecrated them as members of the church. Now they only see them on Christmas and Easter. Not much was heard from the Jewish Synagogue, but it's rumored that they took one squirrel and circumcised him. They haven't seen a squirrel on their property since |
#239
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A retired older couple returned to a Mercedes dealership where the salesman has just sold the car they had been interested in to a beautiful, leggy, busty, blonde in a mini skirt and a halter top.
The old man was visibly upset. He spoke to the salesman sharply, "Young man, I thought you said you would hold that car till we raised the$95,000 asking price. Yet I just overheard you closed the deal for $75,000 to the lovely young lady there. And if I remember right, you had insisted there was no way you could discount this model." The salesman took a deep breath, cleared his throat and reached for a large glass of water. "Well, what can I tell you? She had the cash ready, didn't need any financing help, and, Sir, just look at her, how could I resist?" replied the grinning salesman sheepishly. Just then the young woman approached the senior couple and gave the car keys to the old man. "There you go," she said "I told you I could get that idiot to lower the price. See you later Dad, Happy Birthday." Once again.... don't mess with seniors.!
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You've never lived until you've almost died -- for those who fight for it, life has a flavor the protected will never know! |
The Following User Says Thank You to earntaz For This Useful Post: | ||
Craig_Maiorana (05-11-2017) |
#240
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Quote:
K
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'63 LeMans Convertible '63 Grand Prix '65 GTO - original, unrestored, Dad was original owner, 5000 mile Royal Pontiac factory racer '74 Chevelle - original owner, 9.85 @ 136 mph best |
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