joke

[Vern B]

Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital.

One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end.

He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.

Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out.

When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.

When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love. I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.

The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead.'

Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry..

How soon can I go home?'

[Lynn]

Originally Posted by Ryan1969Chevelle

Say it a little quicker:-)

Ryan gets it.

One more.

Bob and Frank are two very senior citezens in the old folks home.

One day they are walking by Myrtle's room, and there is Myrtle standing there in her birthday suit.

Bob: What was Myrtle wearing?

Frank: I don't know, but it sure needed ironing.

[Lee Stewart]

A Texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation. There he meets an Aussie farmer and gets talking. The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says, "Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice as large."

Then they walk around the ranch a little, and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle. The Texan immediately says, "We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows."

The conversation has, meanwhile, almost died when the Texan sees a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field. He asks, "And what are those?" The Aussie replies with an incredulous look, "Don't you have any grasshoppers in Texas?"

[Lee Stewart]

[Lee Stewart]

[earntaz]

This event, in the everyday life of a senior citizen, should alert you guys to the importance of following directions...


Understanding Directions

Some times Seniors don't Understand Directions.
I assume we are all Seniors. This is why you (a Senior?) should listen to your Doctors instructions.

I went to my nearby CVS Pharmacy, straight to the back, where the Pharmacists' high counter is located. I took out my little brown bottle, along with a teaspoon, and set them up on the counter.

The Pharmacist came over, smiled, and asked if he could help me. I said, "Yes! Could you please taste this for me? Seeing a senior citizen, the Pharmacist went along. He took the spoon, put a tiny bit of the liquid on it, put it on his tongue and swilled it around.

Then, with a stomach-churning look on his face, he spat it out on the floor and began coughing.

When he finally was finished, I looked him right in the eye and asked, now, does that taste sweet to you?"

The Pharmacist, shaking his head back and forth with a venomous look in his eyes yelled, "HELL NO!!!"

I said, "Oh, thank God! That's a real relief! My doctor told me to have a Pharmacist test my urine for sugar!"

I can never go back to that CVS, but I really don't care, because they aren't very friendly there anymore, anyway!

[Lee Stewart]

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.

The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony. The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize.

'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me,' she told him.

'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hand at his groin.

At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his trousers and put her hands inside. She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, 'How does that feel'? 'Feels great,' he replied; 'but I still think my thumb's broken!'

[67 Nova Boy]

Married Irishman



A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, 'I almost had an affair with another woman.'


The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?'

The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped...'

The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box.'

The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box.

He paused for a moment and then started to leave.

The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, 'I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!'

The Irishman replied, 'Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!'



_____________________



Lemon Squeeze


There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession. Upon entering the confessional, she said, 'Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.'

The priest said, 'Confess your sins and be forgiven.'

The young woman said, 'Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times.'

The priest thought long and hard and then said, 'Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice.'

The young woman asked, 'Will this cleanse me of my sins?'

The priest said, 'No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face.'



_____________________________________


Catholic Dog


Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, 'Father, my dog is dead. Could ya' be saying' a mass for the poor creature?'

Father Patrick replied, 'I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature.'

Muldoon said, 'I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?'

Father Patrick exclaimed, 'Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?



---------------------------------------------------------



Donation


Father O'Malley answers the phone, 'Hello, is this Father O'Malley?'

'It 'tis!'

'This is the IRS. Can you help us?'

'I can!'

'Do you know a Ted Houlihan?'

'I do!'

'Is he a member of your congregation?'

'He is!'

'Did he donate $10,000 to the church?'

'He will!'



__________________




Confession



An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues:

Man: 'I am 92 years-old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitch-hiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times.'

Priest: 'Are you sorry for your sins?'

Man: 'What sins?'

Priest: 'What kind of a Catholic are you?'

Man: 'I'm Jewish.'

Priest: 'Why are you telling me all this?'

Man: 'I'm 92 years-old .. . . . Hell, I'm telling everybody!'


___________________________



Brothel Trip


An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night. Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is.

'I'm 90 years-old,' he says.

'90?' replies the woman. 'Don't you realize you've had it?'

'Oh, sorry,' says the old man. 'How much do I owe you?'



______________________________


Senility






An elderly man went to his doctor and said, 'Doc, I think I'm getting senile. Several times lately, I have forgotten to zip up.'




'That's not senility,' replied the doctor. 'Senility is when you forget to zip down.'


______________________________



Pest Control


A woman was having a passionate affair with an Irish inspector from a pest-control company. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home early.

'Quick,' said the woman to the lover, 'into the closet!' She pushed him in the closet, stark naked.

The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet. 'Who are you?' he asked .

'I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone,' said the exterminator.


'What are you doing in there?' the husband asked.


'I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths,' the man replied.

'And where are your clothes?' asked the husband.

The man looked down at himself and said, 'Why, those little bastards!'

_____________________






Marriage Humor

Wife: 'What are you doing?'
Husband: 'Nothing.'
Wife: 'Nothing? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour.'
Husband: 'I was looking for the expiration date.'

------------------

Wife : 'Do you want dinner?'
Husband: 'Sure! What are my choices?'
Wife: 'Yes or no!'

------------------------------


Stress Reliever

Girl: 'When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.'

Boy: 'It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or troubles.'
Girl:- 'Well, that's because we aren't married yet.'

------------------------------

Son to Mum


Son: 'Mum, when I was on the bus with dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.'

Mom: 'Well son, you have done the right thing.'

Son: 'But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap.'

________________



Newly Married


A newly married man asked his new bride, 'Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?'



'Honey,' the woman replied sweetly, 'I'd have married you, NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!'

----------------------------

A wife asked her husband: 'What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?'

He looked at her from head to toe and replied: 'I like your sense of humor!'

___________________________


Husbands Are Husbands





A man was sitting reading his newspaper when his wife hit him up side of the head with a frying pan.


'What was that for?!' the man asked.




The wife replied, 'That was for the piece of paper with the name 'Jenny' on it that I found in your pants pocket'.



The man then said, 'When I was at the races last week, Jenny was the name of the horse I bet on.'




The wife apologized and went on with the housework.



Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious. Upon re-gaining consciousness the man asked why she'd done it again.



The wife replied, 'Your horse phoned.'



___________________




Let us pray an Irish prayer....


'Give me a sense of humour, Lord,
Give me the grace to see a joke,

To get some humour out of life.'

[earntaz]

Bet you didn’t know this..? Do Las Vegas churches accept gambling
chips? This may come as a surprise to those of you not
living in Las Vegas, but there are more Catholic churches
than casinos. Not surprisingly, some worshipers at Sunday services
will give casino chips rather than cash when the basket is
passed. Since they get chips from many different casinos,
the churches have devised a method to collect the
offerings. The churches send all their collected chips to a
nearby Franciscan monastery for sorting and then the chips
are taken to the casinos of origin and cashed
in. This is done by the chip monks.

You didn't even see it coming did you?

[Lee Stewart]