joke - Page 15

marxjunk · #**141** 09-01-2016, 06:48 PM

awesome....

**PeteLeathersac** · #**142** 09-02-2016, 02:43 AM

'
[img]<<GRAEMLIN_URL>>/beers.gif[/img]
~ Pete

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A cop pulls a car over for speeding.
Cop: “Sir, do you know you were doing 110 mph in a 50 zone?”
Driver: “ Yes! I’m Sorry, but that’s because I was racing another car and lost track of the speed.”
Since he did not see any car besides that, the cop asks – “Sir, have you been drinking?”
Driver: “A little bit of Whisky, but just because I needed something to take with the LSD I took at a party!”
Cop: “LSD? Sir, I need you to step out of the car! Is there anything else I need to know? Drugs, Firearms?”
Driver: “Sure! There is at least 5 pounds of cocaine in my glove department and an AK-47 under my seat! But please, don’t open the trunk, or the person I just kidnapped will escape!”
The cop, not believing in what he heard and a little afraid, called his superior!
At his arrival, the cop told the Sheriff all that. The Sheriff told him to wait by his car and goes to speak with the driver:
Sheriff: “Sir, my subordinate told me you have a kidnapped person in your trunk!”
Driver opens the trunk: “As you can see, there’s no one here, but my jack and spare tire”
Sheriff: “What about the AK under your seat?”
Driver pulling his seat forward: “There’s no such thing here, just an umbrella!!”
Sheriff: “I see! And the cocaine in your glove compartment”
Driver opens the glove compartment: “you must be kidding me! Only my registration’s there!”
Sheriff: “Have you been drinking or engaging in any kind of drugs?”
Driver: “Sir, I don’t smoke cigarettes, don’t even drink soda! I’ve been in my home all night with my mom and she's the most fervently religious woman you never know! That cop over there must be kidding you! HE told you I was drunk, took drugs, was armed and a drug dealer, and had kidnapped someone? What else, was I speeding too?” [img]<<GRAEMLIN_URL>>/naughty.gif[/img]

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**Charley Lillard** · #**143** 09-10-2016, 01:57 PM

**Charley Lillard** · #**144** 09-10-2016, 02:42 PM

I decided to go to the local Pow-Wow at the Muskoday Reserve for the first time to see what it was all about:

I sat down and the Chief came up to me, laid his hands on my hand and said:

"By the will of the Elders and the Great Creator - you will walk today."

I told him I wasn't paralyzed, But I did have a small bunion on my left foot.

He came back and laid his hands on me and looking skywards, earnestly repeated his mantra:

"By the will of the Elders and the Great Creator - you will walk today."

Once again, I told him there really was nothing wrong with me.

After prayers I stepped outside.

And WHAT THE HELL-

MY CAR WAS GONE !!!!

**PeteLeathersac** · #**145** 09-10-2016, 03:23 PM

'

A hip young man goes out and buys the best car available: a brand-new Ferrari 550. It is also the most expensive car in the world, and it costs him $500,000. He takes it out for a spin and stops for a red light.
An old man (about 75 years old) on a moped pulls up next to him. The old man looks over at the sleek, shiny new car and asks, "What kind of car ya got there, sonny?"
The young man replies, "A Ferrari 550. It cost half a million dollars!"
"That's a lot of money," says the old man. "Why does it cost so much?"
"Because this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!" states the young dude proudly. The old man asks, "Mind if I take a look inside?"
"No problem," replies the owner.
So the old guy pokes his head in the window and looks around. Then, sitting back on his moped, he says, "That's a pretty nice car, all right... but I'll stick with my moped!"
Just then the light changes, so the young guy decides to show the old man just what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds the speedometer reads 160 mph. Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rearview mirror.
It seems to be getting closer! He slows down to see what it could be, and suddenly, WHHHOOOOSSSHHH! something whips by him, going much faster.
What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?! the young man asks himself. He floors the accelerator and takes the Ferrari up to 250 mph. Then, up ahead of him, he sees that it's the old man on the moped.
Amazed that the moped could pass his Ferrari, he gives it some more gas and passes the moped at 275 mph. WHHOOOOSSSHH!
He's feeling pretty good until he looks in his mirror and sees the old man gaining on him again. Astounded by the speed of this old guy, he floors the gas pedal and takes the Ferrari all the way up to 320 mph.
Not 10 seconds later he sees the moped bearing down on him again. The Ferrari is flat out and there's nothing he can do.
Suddenly the moped plows into the back of his Ferrari, demolishing the rear. The young man jumps out; unbelievably, the old man is still alive!!! He runs up to the mangled old man and says, "Oh, my God! Is there anything I can do for you?"
The old man whispers softly, "Please unhook my suspenders from your side-view mirror."

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**69L78** · #**146** 09-10-2016, 08:11 PM

Not really a joke, it is a new advertising campaign for a local plumber.

**SeattleCarGuy** · #**147** 09-13-2016, 11:37 PM

Sorry if this is a bit off-color:

Little boy comes home from school and his dad asks him what he learned today.

The boy says they were explaining the difference between theory and reality, but he says he didn't really understand the difference.

The father thinks for a moment and asks his son to go upstairs and ask his older sister if she would have sex with the mailman for half a million dollars.

The boy returns and says that she thought it about it for a moment and then said knowing how much good the money would do the family, she said she would sleep with the mailman for half a million dollars.

The father then asks the boy to go ask his mother if she would sleep with the milkman for half a million dollars.

The boy returns and says that she thought it about it for a moment and then said knowing how much good the money would do the family, she said she would sleep with the milkman for half a million dollars.

The father thinks for a moment and then says to the boy; "well son, the difference between theory and reality goes something like this; In theory, this family is a millionaire family. In reality, your sister and mother are a couple of whores."

Craig_Maiorana · #**148** 09-13-2016, 11:58 PM

[img]<<GRAEMLIN_URL>>/haha.gif[/img]

marxjunk · #**149** 09-14-2016, 03:20 AM

oh my god...thats funny right there..i dont care who ya are...

Vern B · #**150** 09-14-2016, 12:32 PM

Ron Chester, 89 years of age, was stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and was asked where he was going at that time of night.

Ron replied, "I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."

The officer asked, "Really? Who's giving that lecture at this time of night?"

Ron replied, "That would be my wife.